lemme just say.. one good time.. the devil is a liar.


the devil is a gd liar. 
i don’t know if that’s appropriate or not, but he is. 

a big fat stinky one too.

he is trying to sit there and convince me that i need to be mad at God because he hasn’t sent me a husband yet. Father, forgive me. 

I was almost upset. You have blessed me so abundantly…
One might even say that you be doing the most. 
With this whole, I’m gonna come down to earth and be a puny little human, and then embarrass myself, and die… for you. THAT IS TOO MUCH!

God… like really. 
I mean.. y’ain gotta do all dat, does it?
Like for real.. that’s supa personal.. and extra. Like that makes me feel all obligated.. to give you the time-a-day and all that. And there ain’t really much else I should be asking for.. because you literally gave it all.. for my sake. 

Lord, without you, I wouldn’t even be here. 
That’s crazy to think about. 
And for me to take even a teensy weeny second to be bratty, and say, “Daddy, I want more! Daddy, I want what I want.. NOW!” is ridiculous. Yet, you still love me. You’re an awesome Father in that you don’t give me what I can’t handle. If I’m not ready for something.. you’re like.. “Woah-ho there Sapphire! Chillax… You’re good. Have a seat… I got this… It’s coming. Just wait.” 

and then… I read a REALLY convicting deco today asking me.. how am i waiting? humph! not too well! i’m impatient and angsty (yeah, that’s a word now) - but really all the angst. THAT’s how I realized my heart won’t right. That’s how I came to find that little miss single is ready to mingle, even though God hasn’t given her the go ahead just yet.

And I’ve known.
The imagination’s been roaming free.
I’ve been letting my mind get carried away.
Not taking every thought captive like I should be.
Letting my flesh think and do what it wants… justifying it as not as bad as I used to be.

Father, please forgive me.
I repent. I want to be a donkey.
(Don said something crazy today at service about Palm Sunday- Jesus riding in on a donkey - directing it’s path, no one had ever sat upon it before… that’s wild. And not a person in there wanted to be a donkey.)

Help me be humble. Help me be grateful.
Help me enjoy and rededicate the gifts that you’ve given back up to you and sow seed for a double portion. Father, help me continue to flow with you… let the Spirit be fluid in my life and in my relationships.

Help me show others you. You, Jesus. Not CHAT, Not Percy, not Don and Corey. Help me Father God - help my whole lift point to you and you along. To you belongs the glory.. not me. Help me, Father. Save me.. Hosanna in the highest. 

Jesus’ Name. 

so the decision’s been made.


i’m going to memphis. 


i’m currently listening to the bobby mcferrin version of don’t worry be happy.

i’m thinking a lot about cultural pride.
wondering what it would be like to trace back my ancestry.
scotch-irish. native american - which tribe? black.

we all know the baggage that comes with that one.

intentionality and schemes of the devil have been on my mind, when it comes to spiritual things today. prayed aloud in intern study group today.

why RAPP.

i think that’s what my next blog SHOULD be. that’s assuming that i’ll be writing one anytime soon. it’ll be about the urgency of being an intentional intern with every student you come across/have a formed relationship with.

prayer is an action step.
i only determined that on my own mere days before paul told me this at the end of our one on one yesterday. it was probably more like weeks. but i’m starting to look at time differently. 

a few weeks ago, wasn’t that long ago.
and a few days ago, feels a lot like weeks ago.

this is chat y’all. 
so much is being thrown at you at once. 
and it’s just the culture. so it’s accepted.. and unquestioned.

we’ve settled in. been here long enough to be just like the rest of you CHAT people. 

"that’s what i hate about you chat people, man."

words hurt. actions say more than words sometimes.
They tell you exactly how someone really feels/values you.

i can walk all over her. i can treat her and old kind of way. 
he always does what i ask him for. i don’t even need to ask anymore.

i don’t even need to acknowledge this person when i walk in the room.
that’s why RAPP. and that’s why repeating it all the way across the board.. every time you see kids is important. it might actually stick.

anyway. i’ve been noticing a lot of things lately. lately as in since yesterday. i’ve got to be very careful, yet very intentional. they’re pulling out. they’re pulling away. it’s the same coping mechanism that i’m being so intentional to avoid myself. it hurts me to recognize it. and it press back by pressing in… deeper into relationship with them.

i’m being called to risk rejection. to really hurt.. when i gal flat on my face. but to risk it all and put it all out there - even though it might not go well. 

Lent so far.


So Lent started last week, one week ago today to be exact.
And it started with a bang. 

Quite literally. 
"Bang," said my phone, as it slammed against the floor of the Steak and Shake dining room. Funny enough, Ray had just joked that it would be broken. Lo and behold, it actually was. Not completely devastated as I had been when I shattered my screen earlier in my internship, I resolved that we’d simply stop by the AT&T store in the neighboring shopping complex before our lunch break was over. 

I tested out the two buttons on the phone to see if I could get it to give me anything more than a quickly fizzling white screen. “Bee-beep,” Siri started listening, and I gasped aloud in joy.

"CALL DAD!" I shouted. Moments passed.
"Calling Dad… mobile."

As the phone rang my eyes lit up, only to moments later dim in disgust as my own father laughed hysterically at my predicament. Ray, too, found my drastic mood swing hilarious, which left me glaring out of the glass wall-length window waiting for the two hyenas to stop cackling at my misfortune.

Soon we’d concluded that I would go to the AT&T Store and make sure not to mess up my unlimited data plan by making some drastic change to my cell phone type. But I had already settled on the idea that I would get a ‘fake phone’ as I’ve been calling it for the last 7 days.

I purchased a ‘blackberry-esque’ not-so-smart-phone for 19.99 plus tax and made my way back to work with two phone in one hand and a milkshake in the other. At least I got something sweet out of the deal. 

Later that day, seeing as that we had no luck in transferring my phone contacts into my dummy phone, I received a text from an old friend whom was in town. This friend and I have a brief history of the romantic sort, and a much longer history of the dramatic sort that ensued thereafter. He contacted me inquiring about I letter I’d sent regarding our past. Without having his number stored in my phone, after just one message I knew whom it was almost instantaneously. Oddly enough, I actually had some downtime this particular Wacky Wednesday. Thus we spent a good 15 minutes catching up over the phone, ending on a note that I would text him what the letter he never received was about and why I wrote it.

Much later that evening, after all my programming was over, he texted me again. He was back near the neighborhood, and I was done with work. I invited him the the Ash Wednesday service at church. We had a lot more mutual friends and acquaintances there than I’d anticipated. I introduced him to a few people. It wasn’t as weird as it could have been. I was fine. 

And then I got home… I went to the Lighthouse for a bit and played some awesome music on the jimbe. Then I got got back home…

Only to have received a response to a message I sent another old friend of mine earlier in the day about my whole phone fiasco. Not only had he responded, but he was still online. 

Now this friend is abroad. So my contact with him is far and few between at best. But then, he mentions Skype. Soon. How soon? As soon as right then.

Hesitant but very interested, I agreed to Skype with him with an hour. 
IT was great. He was doing well. And I was able to be encouraging and engaging despite my long, very strange day. 

And this my friends was Lent day one. 
The day before that, my house mom, Allison, had asked me if I’d like to fast with her on Ash Wednesday. I very quickly said no with having to teach a dance class be my excuse… 

I felt convicted, subconsciously, because I ended up doing a three day Daniel fast (my first) the next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, in preparation for hearing back from Teach For America. 

Yet before all this, I was asked to dance by my pastor at the end of service during our church’s version of alter call. It was spontaneous worship. Amazingly, that entire weekend prior Sunday, starting Friday, I’d been in an extremely “dancy” mood, wanted to push my limits and determine just how far I could stretch, how high I could leap and kick, how hard I could throw myself to the ground without hurting myself. A very rare mood for me. 

All those calculated risks I’d taken Friday in my living room, and Saturday in the studio really paid off on Sunday. I felt prepared, both mentally and physically, to usher in the Spirit of the Lord. And I felt a freedom… a release. And others in the room felt it too. I was so happy to be able to worship God in my own way, but corporately in a sense. 

I’m still wondering all of the motivations behind why Pastor Don asked me to dance. He trusted me that much. He felt he knew my abilities and my faith that well that he could ask. I feel honored, and I truly appreciate the opportunity to have God use me as a broken vessel to usher in His holy Holy Spirit.  Something so amazing and so set apart. 

I heard a woman praying aloud in tongues while I was dancing. Others that weren’t used to that type of thing told me afterwards that they’d heard it too. We’ve been mentioning tongues a lot lately in service. I wonder how this is going to go from here on out. The dancing and the speaking in tongues alike. 

I’m truly amazed and feel so blessed to see this vision I’ve mentioned before come to fruition. It’s almost prophetic I feel. 

TODAY is the last day of the life that I lived before finding out where Teach For America will be placing me, or if they’ll be passing on the opportunity to hire me. 


TOMORROW there will be so much different. So many decisions, and so many plans to be made. Either to stay here next year. Or to move to Memphis… New York.. or DC. Where will I go? 

Am I ready? What will my parents say?
What will that e-mail I get say?

Will I get it at community group? Before? Before 6pm, even?

I’m getting anxious just thinking about it! 
There are so many possibilities. 

Richmond is my number one choice.
If I get it, I will know it was God sanctioned. 

If I get Memphis, I will feel as if it is the new place in which God is calling me to minister. New York or DC, I will consider only because of Katie and Lena. 

This summer will be crazy. Institute or CHAT? 
Will TFA even offer me a job?

What will I say? When will I answer?
What about Richmond? Megan said it’s happening.

My interviewer said she didn’t know - and that they were $2 million short. 

God is a God of financial breakthroughs! 
I’ve prayed. I know my mom has prayed. Maybe even my dad has.
Shaleetta may have even prayed. 

God - Richmond… 
What’s your plan?

What ever it is I know it is good… and for my good.
Help me to see what is of you and what is of man… and choose in godly wisdom. Help me not to get cocky in my competence but help me to be humble, discerning and ever-prayerful. 

Help me not be too quick jump the gun.
Help me, Father. Guide me. 
Calm me… give me peace that surpasses all human understanding.

Let this fast, having been honoring to you, mean something for this decision. Both TFA’s and mine. Help me, Lord God, in understanding what your will is and separate my desires for selfish gain get in the way. 

Let me hear your soft whisper more loudly than any other tomorrow when I get that email or those phone calls.

Be there with me in the midst, Father. 
I want it to just be me and you. 
Help me to remember you. 
Help me remember to pray.
Help me not get wrapped up in myself and my accomplishments or my failures. 

Give me your light. Give me your rest. 
Thank you Father. For all these things I ask, I thank you in advance for whatever it is that you have for me. Thank you for your strength and freedom! Thank you Lord that you are my strength and my shield! 

My flesh may flitter and falter. But Lord you are the solid rock on which I stand. You never change. Thank you for your faithfulness.

Amen.

To go with my last photo and caption


I’ve taken a step back and realized something was done out of order, so this post will be back soon. Be blessed! 

Somehow last night I ended up ordering the same exact wine that was the first ever red wine I tasted in my life. While studying abroad (left), I ordered the house red at a tiny cafe around the corner from my apartment in Italy for €3. Little did I know that delicious little no name grape blend would pop back up at PF Changs on my twenty first birthday which I got to share with friends and family, who had me smiling from ear to ear (right) before a drop of it even hit my lips. Lord knows I’ve had a complicated history with underaged drinking, and it feels good to say I’ve not only overcome but been blessed in spite of my past. So with this image I’d like to share not only the obvious and pertinent description but a bit of my testimony and wisdom I’ve gained as well.

Somehow last night I ended up ordering the same exact wine that was the first ever red wine I tasted in my life. While studying abroad (left), I ordered the house red at a tiny cafe around the corner from my apartment in Italy for €3. Little did I know that delicious little no name grape blend would pop back up at PF Changs on my twenty first birthday which I got to share with friends and family, who had me smiling from ear to ear (right) before a drop of it even hit my lips. Lord knows I’ve had a complicated history with underaged drinking, and it feels good to say I’ve not only overcome but been blessed in spite of my past. So with this image I’d like to share not only the obvious and pertinent description but a bit of my testimony and wisdom I’ve gained as well.

“Real confidence comes from knowing and accepting yourself—your strengths and your limitations—in contrast to depending on affirmation from others.”

Judith M. Bardwick (via roseanng)

Forever a great quote

(Source: , via miszcocochanel)

heychristiangirl:

Today marks the one month anniversary of HeyChristianGirl. You’re Welcome.

heychristiangirl:

Today marks the one month anniversary of HeyChristianGirl. You’re Welcome.

(Source: heychristiangirl)

mynaturalsistas:

“So Blessed!Yes!Yes!”-Jill Scott; be a blessing to someone before the day ends!peace and love!-MyNaturalSistas

Oh yeah.. and for those of you all that didn’t know.
I’M GOING NATURAL! 

mynaturalsistas:

“So Blessed!Yes!Yes!”-Jill Scott; be a blessing to someone before the day ends!peace and love!-MyNaturalSistas

Oh yeah.. and for those of you all that didn’t know.

I’M GOING NATURAL! 

“Real confidence comes from knowing and accepting yourself—your strengths and your limitations—in contrast to depending on affirmation from others.”

Judith M. Bardwick (via roseanng)

(Source: , via roseanng)

Love Rose Ann for this :-)

Love Rose Ann for this :-)

(Source: quote-book, via roseanng)